Cheers to dysentery!

Gentle readers. I have been doing my best to keep this blog chronological in its updates, even when that means delaying the interesting, nay, gripping, nay, riveting tales of my exploits by several days. I have done this in the name of Science and Modernity. This post, however, is not about me. It is about you. It is a public service announcement to all those who might someday go to Turkey.

WHEN IN TURKEY, A BRAGGART'S CLAIMS THAT HIS DIGESTIVE SYSTEM IS PROOF AGAINST THE WORST THE COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER MAY COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM.

The following is a morality tale. Attend. Those of you with fainter hearts may not want to continue.

For the past several days the brave members of BFRS:Turkey have been falling victim, like monkeys off the bed, to a variety of stomach ailments. Me being me, I stood strong against all these ailments, and dismissed those who suffered as the mean possessors of inferior constitutions. Yet tonight I find myself eating my words (but little else), for the latest to be struck down by the foul plague over Istanbul is yours truly.

The stage was set earlier today when I downed a ginourmous loaf of bread and half a can of strawberry jam for breakfast. Why did I do this? I don't know - it seemed like a good idea at the time. I felt a little queasy afterwards but I continued with my day. I saw some sights, I read some readings, I did the general Istanbul shuffle. I finished the day, like any good Istanbullu does, with a döner.

Returning to the flat I engaged in a series of academic pursuits for a period of a few hours. Feeling a need to relieve myself (and feeling, I will admit, slightly gaseous as well) I made for the water closet, only to discover that the water closet wasn't so watery after all - our water had been cut off. An act of the utilities company? An act of nature? An act of God? You be the judge.

Feeling some gastronomic distress, I determined to man up and wait out the lack of water. The next several hours were characterized by growing intestinal discontent and the looming conviction that the water had better resume soon. In the end, at about 12:30, I allowed that the Man, whichever Man it might have been, had won, and I had lost. I headed to the loo resigned to relieve myself regardless of the consequences.

So picture me perched, now, on the potty, growing gradually less gassy. I became aware of a rumbling in my chest. "Good heavens," I said aloud. "That's quite a rumbling in my chest." And these are, of course, my exact words, recorded verbatim for authenticity's sake. "This would be a singularly inconvenient time to projectile vomit." But of course, that is what I did.

My potty perch had been transformed into an inelegant sprawl upon the floor. My innards were leaking out from both ends, and as I lay there in the welter of my gore I could barely imagine the time I'd have cleaning the bathroom with no running water. Again I heard a rumbling in the distance. "My word!" I said aloud. "How many rumblings can a single night have? God, sir, have some heart!" And God did. The rumbling became a roar, and the water returned, and I reflected in silence on the lessons I'd learned. Bulimia's not a good way to make oneself thinner, and we all should beware the one dollar döner dinner.

Because, in all seriousness, I suspect that the döner dinner did it. This could be an illusory connection brought on by it being the last thing I ate, or by me being very graphically reminded of having eaten it about an hour ago. But what do you think, readers who have read this far? Was it the döner? Was it the tea with jam and bread that I had for breakfast? Was it the water, bottled though it may have been? Or was it Feruz Ahmed's Turkey: The Quest for Identity, which I have been incapable of finishing? Which was the culprit? I welcome your input.

A final thank you, however, goes to God. I don't know who turned the water off, and ultimately I don't care. I do know that the providential timing of its return could only have been due to divine intervention, and for it I am truly grateful.

You should all thank me that there are no pictures in this post.